Hate Me
by twilight-fedishfreak
Summary: Im not sure what to say Bella just moved to Forks.Shes aloot diffrent,Rene died,Charlie's an abusive drunk tell me what you think about it! Rated for hint of abuse and lemons in the future....
1. hate me

_**"I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head  
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed  
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone  
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home  
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain  
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?  
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?  
And will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space**_

_**Hate me today  
Hate me tomorrow  
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you"**_

_**blue october hate me...**_

"Im soo sorry!Please come back.please...I just want you back.I didnt mean any of it!

Look, look see Im getting better!Please..I promise Ill stop.You can go back if I dont!

I just want you back...plaese mom. I love you."

"Excuse me ma'am. i need to close up.Im really sorry.You can come back tommarow.Ill give you another minute..im sorry." as I heard the ground keeper close up his footstepps fading in to the night I realized how late it was!Charlie was going to kill me.Im sorry mom.Ill be back again as soon as I can.Charlie was probably drunk again anyway.I promise mom , Ill get better.No more drugs, no more cuting. I promise.i never got inot the sex scene...when you have scars and cuts almost everywhere evn in some awkward places like your thighs and sides and back alittle, its a sorta turn off for guys.You wont have to worry about me anymore.no more heart ache.I love you R.I.P.mom. Ill be back...

_**SORRY IT WAS SOO SHORT. IM JUST TRYING IT OUT...ITS BEEN NAGGIN AT THE BACK OF MY BRAIN.LET ME KNOW IF YOU LIKE IT.**_

_**BTW-THE RATING IS FOR LEMONS IN THE FUTURE..IF THIS STORY HAS ONELET ME KNOW?**_

_**THANX! HOPE YOU LIKE IT.REVIEW.**_


	2. why im here

Hannah Phillips

_**Okay so I got a few alerts for this one... I honestly thought it was going to crash. I hope you guys enjoy it and review. here is the next chapter...**_ As I got into my cab I thought about all the things that had happened in the past few months. MY mother's and Phil's death ,Me coming here to forks, Jake, and the horrible surprise my father decided to give me for my 17th birthday...a boyfriend. Not that he wanted me to have a boyfriend but the fact that he wanted to control my life. He was always temperamental. I hated him just as I hated forks.

Not that I had anything wrong with forks if not for the fact of all the bad memories that I had of forks but it was very gloomy. It was always raining and if not then it just looked like the earth was dying, there is green where it's supposed to be brown and there is always a wet sticky feeling from the last time it did rain. So I came here and had to deal with the horrible forks, the horrible Charlie and the horrible disgusting mike Newton.

It started out innocently enough. When I first got here there was of course talk that I was the chief's daughter from the big city. I had to endure endless questions on top of questions, it was excruciating! You would think that they would get bored of little ol' plain Jane me. But apparently they think that im "interesting" but that's not what im talking about. I'm talking to you about one of my biggest problems with forks.

Mike would take me to my classes and he would try to talk about my old life. I would either ignore the question or beat around it so he eventually gave up n me and started talking about himself instead. He's quite shallow and vain to be completely honest. Then one day he asked if I wanted a ride home my truck was in the garage of Jacob black being repaired.

Not that I minded mike knowing where I lived everyone did , but I had a really bad feeling about what would happen if Charlie came home to find a guy in his house while he was out. I unfortunately didn't think it was bad enough...Charlie had already mentioned that mike was a nice guy and that he would approve of him had I wanted to go out with someone. He was lately busy with his new chick that he was with every hour of the day now.

He was home when mike pulled up in the drive way and looked oddly pleased with himself I did not want to know what him and his girl had been doing and what had been done to get that huge wicked grin on his face. I brushed it off thinking that whatever he did was none of my business as long as it stayed out of my room I was happy.

"Bells, guess what? I thought of the best thing today at work! You know how you've been sulking around the house lately?"

"I have not been sulking?"

"Well I found you a solution"

He had just looked past my shoulder pretending that I either had agreed with him or I had just not answered at all. I really didn't like the way he was looking form me to mike and mike's huge childish goofy grin. The next words out of his mouth are what have brought me to where I am now...and I will never forgive him for them.

_**I need to know whether you guys want it to be all human or not I can go either way...review or pm me with your answer. thanx**_:


	3. stupid cheap cakey makeup

More reasons for cheap cakey makeup

**Okay darlings I just want to make a few things clear**

**1) No Bella has not met Edward**

**2) This is basically my take on twilight**

3) Bella is morning over her mother's death remember not Edward (piont1) that is what Charlie meant when he said "moping around" in ch.2

**Well I hope that clears things up and I hope you guys don't hate and forgive me please for any confusion...without further ado the chapter!**

More reasons for cheap cakey makeup...

Charlie came home one day drunk as a sailor, I had just finished taking my shower getting all of the cheap -o caked on makeup off of my arms and legs from the new set off bruises that Charlie oh so kindly left me.' Bella you dumb get down here! Where's my dinner?!

I ran down stairs almost tripping down them calling out to Charlie 'coming!'

The good thing about Charlie being drunk is that you let him make a mess beat on you a little bit; he'll pass out on the bottom of the stairs. The only bad thing about that is he'll blame you and then think you need another beating when he gets up.

I almost tripped about 5 times on the dreaded conspiring stairs swore they want to see me flat on my face. Id never met anyone as clumsy as me before in my life…. ever. Period no one was simple, I was the clumsiest person in the world and I had a record that really didn't need to be broken. Ugh! When I got down stairs I saw Charlie with a very happy looking Victoria.charlies new arm candy of the season.

It wasn't bad enough I had to deal with his infuriating attitude along with mike's moodiness and I couldn't do a damn thing about it. And really I used to not curse at all but I also had to deal with the fact that I had his little henchmen conspiring against me. I was in the middle of asking if he wanted me to make his guest anything when Ms. Victoria pushed me into the fridge cackling like a witch. When my bruised back hit the cold surface from the thin shirt it made me hiss. In turn causing me to get a smack across the cheek from Charlie.

'You really should be more polite to our guests don't you darling?' he turned slowly to V who just smiled a Cheshire cat smile and laughed in my face again, if you can even call it a laugh.

'I really do think so, maybe we should hit her again!'

Charlie chuckled under his breath, 'oh no my dear we should leave that to mike to finish for us._ We_ on the other hand should go upstairs and entertain ourselves until morning….'he wiggled his eyes suggestively and she giggled like the idiot she was. They brushed past me yelling from half way up the stairs

'By the way mike is waiting for you .its even ruder to keep people waiting you know.' Then a second later all I heard was a soft-muffled voices and a door being slammed upstairs. Well, thinking that if I stood here all night mike would go away is just a disappointment and a miracle that would never happen no matter how much I prayed. I slowly as possible walked up the stairs truing to prolong the suffering that would eventually come sooner or later. Of course I would have liked for it to be later but life isn't fair or haven't you heard

I walked into my room peaking my head into the room form the door slowly opening it more and more. When I saw the look on mikes face I knew that there was something up.

'Well guess what, I have some news. Its suspected that im an abusive boyfriend.huh, who'd of thunk right.'

I gulped unfortunately it was very audible. I had accidentally rubbed off some of the makeup that was on my arms last Friday. I was working in the Newton's store and Mrs. Weber had walked in and gasped when she saw a souvenir that Charlie had left me. Of course no one would suspect chief swan, no they had to blame the boyfriend not that I minded mike getting blamed but it was the price I would pay before that didn't thrill me.

Mike walked around to me touching my cheek; he moved his hand up and down the blush there taking it as encouragement to continue. Leaning back form me he picked his hand up using the back of it slapped my face. There was a sting for a few minutes until it faded into numb warmth. Not comforting worth but painful warmth. This continued for several minutes until he moved to my neck. He touched my pulse there and wrapped his fingers around it squeezing and lifting me by my neck until I was off of the ground panting. My breaths became more heavy and ragged. Until they were so slow that I could barley tell they were there. that's when he cursed and dropped me to the ground.

Sorry for the short chapters guys but its 2 o'clock and I just got to my dad's for summer. you should be getting more frequent updates for about a month, I hope you guys like .depending on the reviews Ill update again tomorrow…I mean today w/e,

As always I love you babes review plz I keeps me going.


	4. new comers of the night

I looked at the numbers on the clock: 6:30

I looked at the numbers on the clock: 6:30.ugh, great not even time to get up and I have too I cant fall back asleep. I might as well start the day it would go off in 15 minutes anyway. I grabbed my toiletries bag and headed to the bathroom. I quietly locked the door behind me and turned the water on full blast. The heat made the mirrors fog-up. When I jumped in I felt both relieved and also tense. I felt the boiling hot water falling down on my sore back it stung and also felt amazing. I could feel all of the knots and kinks coming out of my back. My throat was sore from last night, and my head was throbbing from the lack of oxygen. I quickly got out and got dressed; when I came out I went outside in the bone chilling rain getting into my truck my bag was already here because I had all of my work done before I came home.

I'm not even surprised anymore I thought as I pulled up to my spot to see mike waiting for me with a big smile on his face. He looked up having heard my trucks monster engine. The day went through like usuall; mike walked me to my classes and tried kissing me. I gave him my cheek each time. I was really getting tired of the whole nothing is wrong act. Today I was planning to got to the library and maybe look up some other local schools. I had saved up little by little for emergencies and now with about 2 years worth of pay I had enough to catch a pretty heavy train ride. The thought of being away from forks made me fell a surge of hope but was once again brought back down by the thought of what would happen if Charlie or mike found me. Not to mention I was probably the biggest chicken shi-um ya biggest chicken in the world and would never actually got through with it. I would stay around here like a waist of breath and space as Charlie so fondly like to remind me I was, and it's not even that I really care what they think about me anyway. Its just that it really does hit home you know? I'm always crashing into things and being told at home stupid I am. Its not that I have self-pity. Don't get me wrong I know that people have it worse than me and I know that no matter what happens I WILL get out as soon as graduation is over they will no longer hear of me. But that's not the point the point is I'm sick and tired of hearing it form people as pathetic as them. They try to make me feel small but they wont. Because if not for the fact of their physical strength I would have left long ago. The last bell of the day rang and I didn't even dress out I just raced to my car today I got another beloved paycheck form my horrible job of sitting in Newton's outfitters while mike tried with all his might to grope me .It was disgusting and what was worse not even the fact that he knew without a doubt (probably) that I hated his guts and would most likely joyfully kill him if the opportunity had but presented itself but that he was doing all of this in front of his…wait a minute for the anticipation to settle….MOTHER! Ugh…I just wanted to tell him exactly what he could do with those hands of his. After what felt like forever I looked over to the clock and saw my shift had ended about 20 minutes ago. Great I endured 20 extra minutes in hell for what, to go back to hell again which I should be calling home. But now I almost had my degree and enough money to start off and give myself a new life.

When I got home it was raining, I ignored the throbbing that was waving through my whole body. I saw there were no cars and proceeded with unlocking the door and

heading upstairs locking the bathroom door and running a hot shower. While I lay down in bed I thought about prices of things.gas, clothes, food, housing, collages. That was the only one I needed to worry about really. I could make everything else work out if I didn't have to pay for collage and I don't think I have to I mean I have pretty much straight A's. I admit I'm not the biggest fan of the rain but tonight it helped me a lot. It made my body relax and it eased some of the painful silence that I usually experienced.

-The Next Day-

BEEP.

_**BEEP.**_

_**BEEP.**_

UGH. That infuriating alarm! Oooo, I could just kill whoever invented it. But alas I must get up for I will be late if I do not. Not good my personal purgatory has brought me back into reality. As I was driving down forks highway I almost missed my turn for the school; some stupid shiny Volvo almost ran over my truck. I know, I know but still, it did you get the point. When I pulled up my regular spot was now occupied by, oh none other than the stupid shiny Volvo. Great. I opted for the next one down the row. Mike was standing outside the under the overhang outside the school waiting for me to come. As soon as he saw me he ran to my side. He had the look of death in his eyes.

' Button your shirt please.' His voiced laced with venom. The thing with mike was you could always tell if he was mad _at you_ or someone else and he was defiantly mad. No doubt about it but not at me. That was a good sign and a bad sign good thing is he wasn't mad at _me_. I mumbled 'fine' and buttoned my button once more. Usually he was the one telling me to unbutton it more…so he could show me off. As he so sickly put it. We walked into English together and everyone was talking animatedly with each other in groups. Girls with girl's boys with boys. At first I thought it was some kind of class thing but as I listened to what they were saying it was most defiantly not about the school. The girl's were happy and the boys…well not so much. They seemed uplifted little every now and then but mostly looked from a range of sullen and livid.

'_Oh god…did you see them…they were soo hot…is my hair okay?'_

All day that's all you could hear. Mike growled when Tyler asked me if I was free this Saturday…again. He had made it his tradition ever since he admitted he liked me, even though I had a boyfriend and he had a girl that was interested in him and happened to be Lauren. Mike and him haven't exactly been on friendly terms after lets just say that. Believe me given the chance I d kill to go out with Tyler instead of mike, not because I like him but simply for the fact of making my life easier. Today kind of went by in a haze, at lunch since mike wasn't out yet I took my book out and started reading pride and prejudice again. I didn't have any lunch and hadn't eaten in almost 2 weeks now I got a bottle of water and cherished the cool liquid that slide with ease down my throat. I had a feeling that something bad was going to happen but I tried to read my book and not pay too much attention to it. I felt that weird feeling that someone is watching you after a little before mike had come and finally sat down for then I had tried to read but couldn't pay attention the two emotions were mixing together creating the most fearful feeling in my life. I really didn't want to look up for fear of what I might see when I did. Instead I just randomly flipped through pages of the book making it look like I was actually reading.

**Well I hope you guys like the chapter… I think it's a little longer than usual. Have no fear Bella's change luvers I have not forgotten about y9ou guys I'm typing as fast as my fingers will allow! Pm me wit any q's comments, suggestions or requests. I love you my little ones. 3 :**


	5. Itoxicating Angel

Hey you guys thanx soo much for being so patient aand the reviews…unfortunately I cnt at the moment thank you individually alt

Hey you guys thanx so much for being so patient and the reviews…unfortunately I cant at the moment thank you individually although I really want to so im thank you all now for previous and future alerts , adds and reviews….thank you all! I was up till 5 o'clock last night and tonight its only 12:20 so im going to let you have it…..

EPOV

The day went by as uneventful as always. provocative words and thoughts were shared me purposeful or not they all made my stomach turn. I took notes without needing too .

I already knew the curriculum. It's been the same for years. I answered questions , received lustful glances and "intimidating" glares. other than that , the usual I kept to myself and my siblings only speaking when spoken too. at lunch after the bell rang I was debating whether or not to skip the rest of the day, seeing as it was only my first day I should probably just get it over with as soon as possible.

I headed to my locker to the reminder of my books for the rest of the day. I met up withy family at one of the empty tables with our "lunches". I was focusing on blocking out all of the thoughts of the other immature foolish humans that were bombarding me when a mouthwatering scent caught my attention. It was the most intoxicating smell , my instincts told me to find the cause and indulge myself , but years of practice was keeping me back. It smelled like freesia w/ a hint more sweetness to it.

I looked up in the direction of the sinful smell to see an extremely thin but exceptionally beautiful girl. she looked about 17 but it was hard to tell seeing her size. She had a body that much was evident but she looked unhealthy. like she hadn't fed in weeks. She had doe-like brown eyes ,her hair was a brown color that fell just below her shoulder blades. She didn't have any lunch with her but a book. Jane Austin's "pride and prejudice" I couldn't help but stare at her. There was like a magnetic pull , willing me to go up to her.

I knew that was unacceptable so staying my seat I watched her from afar. She was very…interesting to me. When I tried to read her mind there was nothing as if she wasn't thinking at all, it was all blank. after a while I felt like I was in a trance like state until a boys voice caught me off guard. All of a sudden I felt as if someone was shooting daggers into my back but missing terribly. I looked up and to the side and sure enough there was boy staring at me lie he wanted to kill me ' _if he keeps staring at Bella im going to'_ . I stopped there with a look of amusement on my face I knew because he looked at me like I knew what he was thinking.

If he only knew , if he only knew. I could care less about his threat or anything that he thought he could do to me because of the fact that he would probably piss his pretty little pants off if he knew what I could do to him. He would just wind up disappointed in the end , he was one of those people that are always very immature and think they are all big and bad. Bella , that was her name. It sooted her , she was beautiful.

If she had a little more weight it would be more prominent but the way she was now she looked so child like. almost like Alice but in a sickly way. I knew I should probably let it go , but something about her drew me in like a fly to the candle light. It was just too hard. I wanted to know all about her. When the bell rang signaling for the next period as I got up so did Bella. She looked up and we instantly made eye contact.

Her eyes were pained and troubled. She looked so vulnerable, so innocent like one move too fast and she would break. I just wanted to hold her ion my arms never let anything touch. There was something I really felt like id seen her somewhere before. It wasn't clear form where though but I knew I had. The look in her eyes was so devastating I wanted to hold her forever to shield her from anything that threatened her. My next class was biology and I had a feeling it was going to good.

When I got into class there was an empty table in the back. I went over to it and sat down taking my things out. 1 minute before the bell rang Bella walked in the room looking distressed following behind was a kid I was really starting to not like. Mike Newton the one who was threatening me in his head. my spirits lifted as I saw her and then lowered again but just little when I saw him. mike was apologizing profusely over and over.

He looked over at me and had a mix of emotions flash across his face. anger , annoyance , and desperation..'not now mike, just sit down' he looked like he was going to be sick. He sat in his seat grabbing his notebook and started to write in it. All the while Bella was walking toward me and I noticed that the seat next to me was the only seat that wasn't taken. she had the most confusing look on her face.

I could decipher her. she was like a closed leather bound book. It was unique that was for sure but you couldn't really judge it as much seeing as there was no summery or anything to indicate what kind of book it was. I felt like I was going to crack under pressure from concentrating much. he sat down next me and Mr. banner started the lesson.

I tried to pay attention but then mike put a note on belle's

desk as soon as the teacher put a video on and then the lights off. Bella wearily opened the note as if she knew exactly what it was going to say. if it was normal routine she would rather not engage in. I looked out of the corner of my eye to read what it said.

"bells,

look babe im REALLY sorry. I don't know what came over me. I'm so grateful that you're not hurt. are you? Please forgive me. I mean come on….I need you. I know you may not believe it now but were perfect for each other!

Mike."

I distinctly heard Bella scoff and wrote back

"look mike , I said to drop it okay? You did it on puorse.you always do , you knew exactly what you were doing. you've done it before and you'll do it again. I'm tired of it but there isn't anything I can do about now is there. As you and Charlie have so kindly pointed out to me.6there id nothing I say or do that will stop you or Charlie. Your just as bad as him."

She angrily folded the note and tossed it to him with disgust. I was more than little worried about the conversation. obviously there was an issue with mike and this Charlie between Bella. she looked nervous , and while mike read he looked livid. This mike wouldn't hurt her if she was his girlfriend would he? He was so protective over her but he would dare lay a hand on her? That s hypocritical.

And who the hell is Charlie and why is he touching this….this angel? I was think about a million things when pictures flew through my head of what looked like a girl being held up against the wall of a small room by her thought. It was mike and b-Bella! I wanted to kill him right then and there. All of a sudden an overwhelming feeling came through me I could feel a growl threatening to escape my chest and I tried to stop.

It was very hard not to kill him as I saw bell being dropped to the floor and mike cursing and throwing her back on the bed with little effort even for his size like a little rag doll. She was barley breathing. My breath began to quicken again and I fought to regain my composure. Again the thought of how he could harm such a fragile thing as Bella. An angel no doubt , the beautiful creature next to me went rigid as mike hissed under his breath.

I didn't know why I was feeling so protective over Bella . I didn't even know her. mike passed the note back to her and instead of opening it up again she got up and tore it throwing it away, daring to look him in the eye , she had the look of determination in her eyes. She wasn't backing down. She was going to fight whatever it was that was happening . and for some reason that thought mad me terrified for her.

Mike looked murderous. then the bell rang Bella ran out the door as fast as she could. mike following close behind. I figure ni8 can leave my last class for a reason like this so I was following close behind the two of them.

I noticed her running out to the student parking lot and all of a sudden Alice came popping out of no where looking concerned. She saw me and silently told me this was the girl that she had been having visions about.

This girl as the girl that was so important to the family….or would be. she didn't know why but she kept seeing her for the past few weeks. that's where I had seen Bella from. I nodded at her and at the same time we walked out and saw Bella freeze as mike came up to her. She looked as if she was attempting to make a ruin for it but mike caught her. he had his hand in the air about to slap her when she froze.

He turned to see what it was and growled when he saw us. He turned to her and shoved her roughly in to the truck. She looked lie she wanted to scream but knew better than that. She crawled I and buckled up. then they sped off , Alice was having a vision. when she was done she told me they where going to be in the forest.

We both ran into the car she had several pieces of a vision that made me livid. She tried to calm me but the visions and thoughts of him flowing through my head made me want to kill him more than ever , im not such a violent person usually but this guy could bring the worst out of me. I just hoped we got there in time….

**Okay you guys that's it for now… I hope you like it. that's the longest ive done so far wow.1:55.**I kept messing up and my fingers aren't working.ugh!review my babes.


	6. forbidden love

I noticed I didn't make a disclaimer well here it is…

**I noticed I didn't make a disclaimer well here it is….**

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT own twilight or any of the amazing god-sent characters.**

**I know it shocked me when I found out too. Everyone said I should be in all white in a special house… have no fear I explained the concept of not wearing white after labor-day. I don't think they got it though…..hum , anyway here is the chapter.**

_**BPOV**_

Mike stayed quite the whole ride while I prepared myself for the worst. There wasn't much that I could do and I knew that. All I could do was hope that I didn't die before I got out of forks. I would put up with anything else if it meant my survival.

He parked off to the side of the road , while he was walking around I wanted nothing more than to flee like a little rabbit but as I fumbled with the seat belt I knew I was like a deer caught it in the headlights.

He jerked the door open and ripped the seat belt off of me. Grabbing me by my ponytail he yanked me out of the cab and was dragging me off into the woods. All I could think of was how much my heart was pounding in my ears and if he could hear it too. He was babbling off about me being lucky he was even wasting his time with me.

How he should just kill me now and put everyone out of their misery. All I could think about was what my mother would do if she found out this was what she was leaving me to.

She would probably have a heart attack and die right then and there. I saw the trees and felt the leaves and the mud but I couldn't at the same time. I went numb , my whole body and I wondered if this was what happened to other people when something like this happened to them. If they just froze and felt nothing , was this my bodies way of protecting me?

I felt myself being thrown down and I fell onto some rocks. The dirt flew into my eyes and filled my nostrils. My palms and legs , knees especially where stinging. My guess from being thrown onto them. my eyes stung and I internally scolded my-self for what was about to come.

None could see me vulnerable. no one had beside my mom and that was only once. my scalp was now throbbing from where he grabbed my hair. I kept coughing from the dirt in my lungs. I was still on my hands and knees when I felt his boot hit me straight in the gut. I tried to hold my tears and the scream that threatened to escape my lungs. I felt the air being knocked out of me.

I doubled over while he grabbed another fist-full of my hair which had fallen out of the pony tail for some time now , he slapped me so hard that my body went flying to the other side of him. My face hit the dirt and he let go ,only to flip me over so he was straddling me with my back against the ground.

'I'm tired of your back mouthing and excuses. Ive waited long enough! You've lied to me , all the times you said you loved me. Well guess what I don't care…. I'm going to get5 what I want whether you like it or not. I told you it would be better if you just loved me didn't I ?didn't I ? And now look what's happening , hum? What nothing to say now? no sarcasm to go along perfectly with that beautiful bruise on your face?'

His words stung as hard as any , he was right. When we first stared going out he told me he was going to get what he wanted and that I should just give in now…that it would hurt ;less that way. Even though I knew I caused my own pain I couldn't bring myself to regret it. I'm glad I didn't because that would have just hurt me more.

His knees where digging into my side and his hot breath blew into my face and I felt like I was going to puke. He yanked down my pant nearly ripping the button on them and I felt him against me. I was scared to death I felt cold air cling to my lower half as he shoved my panties aside. Then it all went into slow motion from there.

I could smell the musky wet dog smell of the trees and leaves wet from the rain. The dirt particles and moisture that filled my nose and throat going into my lungs. My heart beat beating erratically his breath mingling with mine in the air between us the rustling of the trees and its leaves in the distance.

Then all of a sudden a smidgen of hope as I hear what sounded like a car and then a door slamming. But as I thought on it , I couldn't breath enough to scream and I knew if I got enough breathe mike would just knock it out of me all together. Maybe kill me like he mentioned. They probably wouldn't be able to hear me anyway.

It was ironic civilization was so close that I could touch it yet so far that it was just out of my reach. I heard what sounded like foot steppes , the scream that had built in my throat was about to escape me when I felt it.

He forcefully pushed into me. As he grunted I felt like someone had shoved a white-hot poker into me. A blood curtailing scream filled my ears making me wince and I realized it was mine when mike's hand covered over my mouth.

I felt him push harder making a silent scream linger on my lips and trap into his hand. I felt the tears at the back of my neck and cheeks making my hair tangle and glue to the back of my neck.

My vision was staring to blur and I was seeing black and white dots in front my eyes. As the cold air hit my tear stained cheeks I felt a draft that had once been covered by mike's body. Next thing I know it feels like he's being ripped off of me.. there was a cold but it felt familiar and comforting…like a pair of strong arms holding me safe , no kidding. I don't know why , it must be my brain getting to me.

Mike must have just finished and gone. All I know is that my body is drained. emotionally and physically , I closed my eyes and I vaguely heard voices. I turned my head and let the forbidden sleep consume me into the darkness.

EPOV

I couldn't stay way form her. she was captiviating.every breath she took lit like a little spark inside of me , telling me she would be okay. she mumbled under her breath as I drove to her house. Alice was taking mike so that way I wouldn't kill him. I held Bella in my hands while pulling up to her house in the driveway. I just wanted to stay there and watch her sleep in my arms forever.

She blushed but just barley that I almost didn't notice , like she subconsciously felt my gaze over her. If not for the fact that I was better than ever at resisting , had i been a year or so younger then she would have been dead by now. But instead it just brought me closer to her , making me want to know about her more and what she's like . I wanted to shield her from life's horrors forever.

She stared tossing and turning in my arms , I knew as much as she would have appreciated me saving rescuing her maybe if even a little late she wouldn't appreciate the position she was in. me holding her in my arms watching her while she slept. I could tell what room was hers by the delicious scent wafting away form it.

Positioning her carefully I lept up the tree and into her window unlocking it all in one swift movement. landing on the ground without even as much as a sound. Walking to the small bed I set her down carefully . she was holding her arms around her middle like she was trying to hold herself together.

Silent tears streaming down her face made my long stopped heart beat with anger at that disgusting bastard mike Newton. I couldn't blame her for the protective stance she was in she had just been raped by someone who was supposed to have cared for her….or maybe she knew he didn't think of her as anything.

Maybe that's what she meant ,those words in the note. She didn't seem to really like him anyway. And on top of that she was too skinny for her own good. sitting there she looked like an animal that hadn't been fed and had been beat to the bone.

I pinched the bridge of my nose , and felt something sticky on my fingers that I hadn't noticed before. I looked down at my hands and saw a sticky substance that looked rather a lot like …make-up. immediately I thought the worst and went to check bella's body for the substance.

Answering the dreaded question there was stickiness all over bella's arms , legs, and face. I knew that girls now-a-days packed it on like it was water foom the fountain of youth. But Bella isnt seem like the type to use so much they certainly didn't use this much unless they where hiding something.

I tried getting it off with my sleeve and when that didn't work I was going to find some kind of wash cloth with water when my cell phone vibrated and I heard someone in the house staring to wake up.

'Edward you need to get out of there now, mike is back home unconscious but a man is going to check on Bella in a few seconds…don't worry though she'll be fine for tonight though so don't worry about it. just get out of there now!'

I sighed I really didn't want to leave Bella but I trusted Alice. If she said Bella was going to be okay then Bella was going to be okay. physically at least. And she could always have a vision if something was to happen to her.

I just didn't ant to leave her there ,all curled up into a tiny ball. she looked like a little kid despite the size of the bed. She was so beautiful when she was sleeping there was no war raging on inside of her to live. She had her dreams and hopefully lived peacefully in that world.

She really did look like an angel the way the moon light hit her soft skin. she was as much an angel as much as I was a monster. an angel form heaven stuck in hell on earth. I was actually excited and nervous about tomorrow. I wanted to know more about her and I was hoping maybe we could talk.

Reluctantly I got out of her room just as a man who I assumed to be her father. Charlie , he was involved in this some how as well. And I planned to get to the bottom of it. if my angel couldn't be in heaven yet then she should at least get purgatory.

All night I stayed up on the piano, notes just flew through my hands to the keys. emotions id never felt were pouring out of me. All this came from thinking about Bella. It was a mixture of emotions and tempos. I wrote it down when it was all finished and ran upstairs to get dressed for that day at school.

I wanted to make sure Bella was okay. As i got into the car with all my siblings I folded up the papers I had been so freely working on since I got home , looking at the title I saw it appropriate….forbidden love , my bella's lullaby. Maybe , just maybe one day I could play it for her. Maybe just maybe she could take me for me. Because I would take her for her.

And love her for all eternity. I knew I was in love the moment I saw her, and my feeling tonight just amplified it and told me exactly what was going on…..I just hoped she could feel the same way.

**Well there you have it… if your lucky you'll get one late tonight. yummy…the catch is , I won't be posting again until school starts after July 6****th****.sorry folks but I have my reasons…for those of you that talk to me know why. pain in my ass reasons but hey. What can you do?**_** Live. Learn. Love.**_

_**ash**_


	7. The science of soul bearing

BPOVBPOV

I woke up to surprise , don't you know another rainy day in forks! How did I not see that one coming? My body was sore all over , mainly from yesterday. at first I wondered why then a floodgate opened all of yesterday that I could remember. The forest ,mike , the voices , the cold stone arms , and the eyes…..

Topaz eyes ,hm…the alarm clock's screeching made me jump. Everything that happened you would think that I was going to go into shock or something? Maybe im just a freak…there you go , that's why im not balling my eyes out , and making a big deal of it… I mean it _was_ a big deal.

I'm in my bed that means someone must have helped me right? I mean the car door. the voices and then mike being thrown off me. But who helped me if that's the case? If I got home then they knew me somehow right? I slowly got up while my mind was racing a mile a minute. As I walked , or waddled almost through the house to the bathroom all of these questions where running in circles like a huge whirlpool

I quickly took a shower and got dressed without moving as much as I could. While I was getting into my truck I thought , I should probably stay away form mike and Charlie as much as possible. it would not be good for me if we were alone together. I don't thin anyway ,he might like the idea but I didn't. especially now that I knew what he could and apparently would do.

When I got to school there was no sign of mike. But al day there was a girl giving me looks. I didn't know what to do so I would like my stupid self blush and run off. She wasn't being rude or anything. She just looked really excited but then really pitiful at the same time. It wasn't until the 3rd time I decided not to look down & saw her eyes. They were a beautiful shade of topaz , just like the ones from yesterday.

She had short black hair pity into spikes in the back , it sooted her. She was very short but looked like one of those really bubbly people that didn't mind. At lunch I still hadn't seen mike. I was kind of nervous. There was no news that he was in trouble but no one knew where he was.

I sat down in biology and knocked all of my books onto the floor. Ugh , my klutzy ness just gets worse with my mood and today I was not in a good mood. At all. The guy that sat next to me yesterday helped me pick them all up. I was about to saw thank you when I saw his eyes. They where the same as the ones form yesterday , just like the girl but _these_ were the ones that belonged to the person that helped me.

Was he really him or was I just being paranoid? That had to be it ,this was the way my body dealt with shock. That's it , but no. this is him! I'm sure of it.

'do I know you?' my voice was all of a sudden very hoarse and felt very scratchy.

He just stared at me for a second until Mr. Banner told the class to take their seats. we did but I still wanted to know who this guy was. Right when I was about top turn top talk to him he whispered under his breath to wait one second. I just slumped back into my seat not knowing what to do.

Then all of a sudden like my body seemed to reach its full capacity I just collapsed. but I never felt the ground , again for the second time I knew that this guy had saved me. I also knew that we would both be doing a lot of soul bearing talking. Great.


	8. Blacking out is half the fun

Hey guys

**Hey guys... I hope you like the chapter...aint got nothing else to say as of now...sorry ,not really anywayz!**

When I woke up I was in a beautiful room of black and gold room. i was laying on a black couch and felt something cold and hard I immediately fell back into the embrace.

There was something so familiar and reassuring about it. The coolness was strange but felt like home.

When I heard a chuckle form something behind me and the object moved I immediately tried to jump up almost falling the process.

Before I could I felt cold stone hard hands snake around my stomach.

' I apologize. I didn't mean to scare you. are you okay? would you like something to eat?'

his lips where right under my ear from the way he was leaning.

Making me shiver. his breath a cool tickle down my spine. I slowly turned around to come face tot face with Edward Cullen.

The boy who had managed to steal every heart of the female population without even looking at them.

'well I am a little hungry , just a little.' my stomach growled making me mutter under my breathe so I thought he couldn't 'traitor'.

But out of now where he stared chuckling ,and tried with all his might to stop but turned into a full blown laugh-fest making my cheeks go an unnatural color of red. 'anyway '

'we have a lot to talk about to. don't we?'

I slowly slid off of the couch nodding reluctantly ,my pace was more clumsy than that of Edward's fluidly step up.

My heart ached at his perfection.

Taking my hand he led me to the door and walked with me downstairs to the kitchen.

When we finally got there and he opened the cabinets I noticed they were stalked to the max but were all new things never opened.

At first I thought that that was kind of weird but then I brushed it off just as a large family that had just gone shopping.

Edward made me sloppy looking sandwich..i watched as he took out the contents and looked at it as if it was something repulsive.

Then the confused look on his face as he tried neatly staking all of the contents on the 2 pieces of bread. He looked like a little kid trying to put together a new toy.

I almost laughed when after several attempts at putting the tomato and lettuce together trying to keep the sandwich from slipping _again_ I had to get up form my spot at the bar and finish it off the rest myself.

I chuckled under my breathe and the sulking look on his face made me go into hysterics. He just looked so cute there trying to figure out what he did wrong.

At first I didn't fell the pain in my stomach ,then as I laughed harder it felt like someone was jabbing cerated edged knives into the soft tissue of my stomach.

I held my mid-section together ,and I couldn't tell if it hurt more with or without the pressure of my hands.

I felt like I was being ripped in two. I felt like all of my world was crashing down on me , I didn't think I had the energy to move at all.

I thought about just passing out on the floor then and there. But then I felt like I was back at "home" and I was so scared.

I couldn't do it , so with newly gained energy I ran out of the door not bothering to close it back or see if it closed.

I half limped to the woods , and began to run or stumble through an area that was completely new to me.

I had known from past experience not to wander into the woods that I m not familiar with especially alone.

I felt a wave of emotion crash over me like a water fall. I fell tot he floor and looked around.

When all of a sudden I felt a presence ,i couldn't see anyone through the tears that had long since escaped.

But I could feel them watching me.

It was frighting and maddening. I knew they were there but I couldn't see them to tell myself I wasn't just being paranoid.

All of a sudden something lunged at me at the same time I heard Edward's voice calling my name in the background.

Then I felt a sickening feeling in my stomach as something hit me in the head...hard. And all went black...

_**so everyone knows:**_** after the 6****th**** of Julythere will not be anymore posts until school stars up for me again.im really sorry and wish I could change it...i also hope you guys dont tottally disown me...so maybe I could ask for some review this time? So I know you guys dont hate me tottally and completely? How ironic right?let me know...**

**peace , love , and happiness.**

**: ash**


	9. Help Me

**Yay!! "Hate Me" is back!! Though, this isn't your amazingly awesome author. It's her "almost beta" Castielle (pen name: Shiki-chan)!! The reason I say "almost beta" is because she has a beta (which isn't me), but she gives me her chapters to type up because I see her beautifully amazing author's face every day. (Note to the author: You owe me for this, Ashley). Anyway, I won't keep you guys waiting for this any longer. Here's chapter (insert number here, because the "almost beta" doesn't know) of "Hate Me"!! for britt and Thelma and all those ppls out there that DON'T hate me…..plz review , rip me a new one if you want….but use the email.**

**Help Me**

I woke up to a stinging wetness between my legs and an overly sickly happy looking Mike asleep, holding my naked body to his. When I made a move to get up, he only laughed and opened his eyes.

"You're not going anywhere, Sweetheart. You are gonna spend today with me. Come on, time to make breakfast." I slowly pulled the thin sheet around me, tying it in certain places to make a makeshift toga. As we walked through my house, I thought of my chances of making it out and to the Cullens.

"Oh, and don't think about going anywhere. Both me and your dad have guns." Dad? Dad? Guns? How am I supposed to get past two guys with guns? That's right…I can't!

We turned into the kitchen and sure enough, by the back door, there was Charlie sitting in a chair with his brand new rifle in his hands. Mike now had pants on with his boxers showing with a gun slipped in the back ("Almost beta" note: He sounds like a gangster…).

The sight made me want to hurl my guts out on the floor.

"After breakfast, we have an announcement to make, Bells" God, what more could they possibly do to me? Mike put his hands on my hips, and I fought the urge to yell, kick and scream for him to get off of me. I wanted Edward.

I don't know why. I barely knew him, yet I felt like he'd always been there for me.

I was vaguely aware of Mike's lips moving sloppily against mine. I was set on the counter top while his disgusting tongue was trying to break through my clenched teeth.

My heart filled with loathing, disgust, and sadness, until he lifted up the sheet more and more to play with my clit. His hands were hot and calloused. They hurt as they rubbed against my skin.

Like sandpaper on a china doll. I wonder what it would feel like if it was Edward's hand. Would it hurt like it did? Would it be enjoyable? Yes, it would. I would be happy if Edward touched me like this. He would never hurt me.

I shook my head to clear it. I needed to stay focused. Finally, he pulled away. Then he pulled out a pair of handcuffs and twined them around in his hands.

"Now behave, and maybe I won't use these." He whispered in my ear.

"Yet." He gave my butt a squeeze and began cooking. When the table was set, he picked me up, sat me on his lap, and tried to feed me.

He kept "accidentally" dropping food between my boobs, and he would lick it up or rummage through the sheet to get it. At first I tried to ask him to stop, but I felt something hard and cold connected with my back.

I wanted to scream, but I knew it would only be harder if I did. After about 3 times of shoving Mike's attempts away, I could make out the shape of a belt buckle. When we finished eating, Mike got up, sat me in the chair, and got on his knee.

As he rummaged through his pockets, I felt my insides drop.

"Bella." he said in a calm, even happy voice that made me want to cry. "I know that at first, you may be opposed to the idea, but me and Charlie think…..

**Hey there this is ur awesome author lemme know I know you guys probably hate me , no you guys are kewl like that so you wont, but im glad that you guys get this update hope you like it ,oh and the girl that wanted to be my beta , hey , email me at ****.**

**Much luv ,yall are awesome so leave a review my lovelies!**


	10. beautiful innocence

Some things may be a little confusing seeing as some conversations have no0t come out yet , example Edward telling Bella about their true nature…please just try to stick with it , it will clear up in the next chapter[s]. this is from Alice's pov so it will have some future content , things to come , hence the confusion , I hope its not too puzzling , pm me if you have any questions.

Her eyes were coal black her hair wild , as the wind blew the tendrils from her face you could see the hungry look in her eyes. She was on the hunt and she would stop at nothing until she dominated her prey. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned….well nobody warned you about a vampire did they? She had been challenged and now the innocent lamb was going to pay for it. Will the lion be able to save her in time? Or will she fall victim to the hunter?

APOV

"Alice? Alice? What is it? What do you see?" I turned around shooting Edward a glare for him to shut up….thankfully he did. I paced around the living room at vampire speed not bothering with the looks of confusion that the others were giving me. Jasper was trying to sooth my fragile nerves while Edward was trying to probe my mind for anything useful.

"Edward! Just give me a sec okay?!" I shouted. He looked scared to death and angry that he couldn't read my mind yet , but he had to be patient and I had to figure out who exactly this person was. Obviously they were out to hurt Bella , poor sweet innocent Bella , I love her as a sister and I don't have to be physic to know that everyone else does too , they all loved her with a fiery burning passion maybe one differing from the he other but they do all love her . her death would only bring catastrophe to our family. Edward didn't want to admit it but changing her was the only way. Wither it be for her safety or our sanity it would be done of that I was sure i had seen it too many times for it to change. It would happen m it was just a matter of when , where and why…..that was the big question….why would she be changed?

As I paced I heard a gasp from the corner , Edward had seen the vision. He began to run out of the house , probably to break Bella out. We knew where she was of course but we couldn't do anything just yet. I ran following Edward who was almost at the house. Charlie and mike could hurt her worse if we interfered.. There was no getting around that. They would rip her to shreds if we did anything now.

"they can do that now Alice." There was nothing that we could…Bella would always be in trouble with or without us.

"we need to get her safe Alice. Get her safe now then leave there is no going around it. She's going to wind up dead or hurt form, one of us… I just know it." Edward sank to there ground thoroughly exausted from his realization.

"no Edward , that's what your not seeing…she can be fine , will be fine , you just have to trust yourself. It's not just about you anymore. Everyone already loves her. Your future is going to be fine complete , I've never felt the need to not know what is going to happen or double check… I _know_….if you have Bella , if _we_ have Bella everything will just fall into place. we can be a real family Edward. Don't you wan that? Do you wan to take another child from esme? Form Carlisle? What about us? Do you wan tot take a real sister form us?" he stayed quite as he made his decision. Even subconsciously he knew it was the wrong one. My sight hazed over and I felt myself tremble form the intensity of the vision in front of me. I felt my heart rip into two.

" what…do you mean?" she asked. Bella stood in her doorway , Charlie's doorway.

"I mean I don't love you Isabella , there was never anything there. I just felt bad for you. That's all . I don't see why everyone was making such a big deal about you….you were a new toy I suppose , but you'll get over it right?" he didn't wait for her answer as he walked away trembling , too fast for a human to see it.

His heart was breaking as I could only remember the look on Bella's face. Then she did something I hadn't expected. she ran to him and in front of him , I expected Edward to run away but he didn't. he just stood there as the rain began to fall all around them , his eyes conveyed every emotion he was feeling , it was overwhelming to even think about.

"Edward? Edward?! Look at me! You brought me to this family…why would you take it away form me?" she asked in a small voice , it really was heartbreaking. She looked like a little girl that just found out her parents weren't coming home again.

" I knew you didn't love me….I wasn't asking that….I just want to be with you ,all of you. You wont even have to talk to me." Her voice shaking yet determined.

" and what makes you think I want you to be in my presence? Hmmm? What makes you think your so special?" Edward snapped. The look of hurt and shock was just too much , I felt my stomach turn and my knees buckle.

"I never…i'm no-"

"exactly your _not_!" as Edward's chest heaved up and down slightly from the he effort of not breaking down he kept his hands in fists at his side. To Bella he must have looked furious…

" okay." He voice so weak and deflated. She just turned quickly but it all seemed to go in slow motion.. she didn't go back inside of the house but she ran into the woods. He seemed to be debating whether or not to go and follow her , he decided against it. She stumbled her way out of site.

_Silence hurts silence hurts silence hurts silence hurts silence huts silence hurts silence _

That was the last time we ever saw Bella . she's been out of our life for years now. She probably has beautiful children that she is watching grow up Edward says. I know differently . she must be as broken as he is. He turned all of his hate and anger for him self ten fold. His sadness turned to hate and he barley co-operates anymore. Hardly hunts but is forced to for the sake of the children at school.

He only goes so he can have all day to himself. Dealing with our pity thoughts is to frustration he says. Charlie and mike went missing after that day in the woods…the day I had the vision , I told him not to. It would only end up worse. he didn't listen to me. 3 days later Isabella Marie swan was reported missing by a neighbor. We were already long gone.

Edward just seemed to get6 worse and worse as the days went on. Today was a new year of school and I don't think that Edward can take it anymore , he's going to snap one day. He really is. And I'm afraid that that day is soon , I haven't seen anything and that is what scares the crap out of me. I can search but I can't find.

"Lets go darling...its time." Jasper intertwined our hands as we made our way to the Volvo. There was a felt very unsettling feeling in my stomach that I just couldn't seem to shake. I don't like it , I hope nothing happens…

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

" savannah come on! Lets go!" I screamed up the stairs.

Today's the day I last saw the _them_ , the last day of my life. It ended years ago , Bella is gone and no one knows about her. No one knows I remeber. They all think that i'm just a little saddened…god I wish.

" okay , okay , pants , lets go!" savannah the little ball of energy danced out of the room her and brace where occupying. They were making kissey faces to each other. Great.

"sick" I mumbled , savannah just continued down the stairs but still threw whatever she found at me. A small smile graced my lips , she almost stopped I her tracks form shock. I don't normally smile. Not that i'm all so depressing , i'm just a little sarcastic , and today of all days was my bad day , it was like dooms day for anyone in a mile radius. You'd think that I had gotten over it really you would. I don't know , he was right of course I knew _that _I had been a selfish , stupid insignificant human what could somebody as perfect as him…even them want with my presence…but still. He didn't have to completely kill me inside.

He could have just left completely with out warning , I guess he just wanted to see me suffer. I don't know. All I know is i gave him my heart and he mangled it right in front of me. Throwing it into the wall and watching it fall to the ground soundlessly. He spit on it and laughed.

What if I saw him again? Id been having that thought a lot lately, its like my body knows he is near. But he's not , and even if he is so what? Its not like anything is going to change , i'm still going to be the freak among freaks…the outsider in her own kind.

It doesn't matter anyway . he's not here and he's not coming. There's nothing I can do and I have to learn to let go of the past , but I don't want to! Why should I , I loved him , irrational as it was I did and that was the first mistake that I had made . falling in love , with all of my experience you'd think , I would have learned not to let anything good into my life , but I did. I let the beautiful Adonis , perfect in every way , I let him into me , I let him just take whatever he wanted , my heart , my soul. It hurts so much , just thinning about it. Thinking about how stupid it was.

By the time I realized class was over...or that we had even gone to class in the first place it was time for musical appreciation. Great they are all going to be waiting for my song. They say its amazing I saw its disgusting , I wrote it the last night I was human , its sort of an ironic twist on what I wanted and hoped for.

"hey , you ready?" Jane asked.

"ya why wouldn't I be?" stupid girl and her stupid questions. She always asks the same thing everytime. I can't wait to get out of here.

"okay…." She slowly walked away form the mike stand that I didn't even know that I was at. Its funny how everything seemes to just move around me without my permission just like a haze over my life . I look but I don't see , I hear but I don't listen , I say but I don't speak.

I listened to day , they said the same thing they all said , that they were gonna cry but they were happy , but they felt the pain , but they wanted to smile , they were confused in their own mind and I could relate. But they don't have the extent that I do.

I was vaguely aware of the door opening and a scent form the past , but I did this all the time , thinking that has there when in reality , he would never be. I let my feelings all pour out , I sang as best as I could only a vampire would notice the hitching in my though. My voice was like that of a siren's. to human and vampire alike , it was more beautiful then a normal vampires. One of my many "talents" I hated it , it brought unnecessary attention to me , as well as my physical beauty , id seen it a couple of times but I let my insecurity shadow myself for me.

_Waking up I see that everything is ok  
The first time in my life and now it's so great  
Slowing down I look around and I am so amazed  
I think about the little things that make life great  
I wouldn't change a __thing__ about it  
This is the best feeling_

What would he think if he was here? Would he know its for him? What would he say? Would he feel the disgust that I do?

_This innocence is brilliant, I hope that it will __stay__  
This moment is perfect, please don't go away, I need you now  
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by_

_I found a place so safe, not a single tear  
The first time in my life and now it's so clear  
Feel calm I belong, I'm so happy here  
It's so strong and now I let myself be sincere  
I wouldn't change a thing about it  
This is the best feeling_

I was so naïve to ever believe he would even associate with me , ever find anything that was beyond a servant. Just there for his entertainment but a nuisance never the less.

_This innocence is brilliant, I hope that it will stay  
This moment is perfect, please don't go away, I need you now  
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by_

Was it better that I was a changed by someone else? That I was put through what I was instead of being ignorantly happy with him ?

_It's the state of bliss you think you're dreaming  
It's the __happiness__ inside that you're feeling  
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry_

_It's the state of bliss you think you're dreaming  
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling  
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry_

Was it really better he realized it before and not after? ,maybe after I was able to take care of myself? Maybe if he just gave me that little bit of happiness. That tiny silver lining then I wouldn't be so hurt . was I really better off with what I am today?

_It's so beautiful it makes you want to cry_

_This innocence is brilliant, it makes you want to cry  
This innocence is brilliance, please don't go away  
Cause I need you now  
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by_

As much as I hate him there is a love that still burns close ot it. They intertwine , they morph and they twist into each other making it one overload of emotion.

_This innocence is brilliant, I hope that it will stay  
This moment is perfect, please don't go away, I need you now  
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by_

What is it that I cant shake him from me? Why cant I move on yet? _**Why**_?! I soo desperately want to more than anything but I never will be able to . will I always be in pain? I scoffed as I finished , ya , I would and there was nothing I could do so I might as well get over it and except it.

**Well , let me tell you that came out of nowhere! I wasn't planning on the story going any where close to that. Although im going to connect my original plot in there to. I know sorta what I am going to do. So those couple of chapters aren't going to go to waste. To my new beta , im just gonna post this one but ill write more today ,and ill send it to you then probably tonight. Happy holidays , merry Christmas , happy new years. Ill see if I can get you guys a bigger present. Questions? Pm me. Ill get back to you tonight.**

**3**


	11. when your gone

**So my beta is nowhere to be found and I finished this about a week ago , I got off my lazy ass and did the beta-ing my self , if I could get someone who wants to beta everyonce In a while like when she cant id really appreciate it , thnx….let me know , review or pm me and hope you enjoy!**

_When you're gone…._

_I always needed time on my own,I never thought I'd, need you there when I cry_

_the days feel like years when I'm alone,And the bed where you lied,Is made up on your side._

As my vice lifted the wavering became more and more pronounced in terms of human hearing. I could feel the tears building up the tears I hardly ever let shed, never in front of a human. Never. It was a mistake to think that I was actually strong enough to sing this new song, I had never tried to sing it except for the one time that I wrote it, even then had been a disaster.

_When you walk awayI count the steps that you takeDo you see how much I need you right now?_

I tried reasoning saying that maybe they were here and maybe they could hear me, maybe they found me because they actually wanted me because I wasn't a fragile human anymore. Maybe… but no I couldn't think of that, it would only make things that much worse. I watched as he walked away, I watched as he told me his true feelings. Why would I even want him back? After al he has put me through you'd think that I had enough of him and his family.

_When you're gone,The pieces of my heart are missing you!When you're gone,The face I came to know is missing too!When you're gone,All the words I need to hear to always get me through the day...And make it OK..._

_I miss you._

_I've never felt this way before,Everything that I do,Reminds me of the clothes you left,They lie on the floor,And they smell just like you,I love the things that you do!_

But the fact was that I wasn't complete without him. I never would be. I would have given him everything and anything, killing anyone in my way for him…but would I still do that for h8im? Would it be worth it, the effort? The pain that I would endure for him? I could smell them, it was just my imagination but it was damn good. The reality of it. The way it was like they were right next to me…. it was frustrating to know if I opened my eyes that it wouldn't be them standing there but the humans that I was once looked at as.

_When you walk awayI count the steps that you takeDo you see how much I need you right now?_

_When you're gone,The pieces of my heart are missing you!When you're gone,The face I came to know is missing too!And when you're gone,The words I need to hear to always get me through the day...And make it OK...I miss you._

It wouldn't be those golden honey eyes I have dreamed of so long, wished were holding me close; fighting away the nightmares I still suffered from. I can barley restrain my self from opening my eyes to feel the pain and see, to prove to myself…what? That all I am is some sick twisted masochistic that just wants to feel the pain burning brighter? No. I couldn't be like that. I wouldn't, I cant…. but I am. And it hurts all the same. I noticed that I started to add new words and feelings into it , they weren't as angry anymore they were more saddened and more accepting of what was going on around me.

_We were made for each other,Out here forever,I know we were,Yeah Yeah!All I ever wanted was for you to know,Everything I do I give my heart and soul,I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me...Yeah!_

There was nothing that I could do about it now and I was just explaining what I feel looking back , not what I had felt then , I was telling my story , because it had a right to be told. People should know. My story deserved to be told. There was nothing else out there like it. It was unique I gave it all for him and yet I still wound up feeling like this. Not regretful but hurt by his rejection.

_When you're gone,The pieces of my heart are missing you!When you're gone,The face I came to know is missing too!When you're gone,The words I need to hear will always get me through the day...And make it OK...I miss you!_

There was no more feeling but pain and sadness , the loss of something that had just barley formed but filled me so completely that it has now ripped me apart….

_there he stood in front of me one knee on the ground waiting for my answer..._

_"what the hell?! are you kidding me?" I shouted._

_"what do you mean? Bella I love you , you know that , have I ever shown you otherwise? there is no one else out there for me , and I know that we have had our difficulties , I know we have had our ups and downs but have I ever not taken care of you?" I don't know why but I looked to Charlie , I looked to him as if he was supposed to actually do something....but why would he? the man has never been the father he should have been . Renée was right in keeping me away form Charlie for so long and only allowing the periodic visits. there was nothing he wouldn't let his daughter be raped and beaten , if not form him form her "boyfriend" , bring maniacal wemon to torture you._

_a father was supposed to be there for you when the mean kids at school were picking on make the mean kid your boyfriend....he was supposed to keep the bad people out of your sight. Not bring them into your house. he was your night in shinning armor until you found "the one".if there was such I thing I would probably never see it. and he would make sure to that._

_"look at me Bella..." mike demanded , there was what looked like...pity? maybe? on Charlie's face. I wouldn't know for sure , id never seen anything but the hard cold malice that kept his face a frozen nightmare._

_I did the only thing I could think of , I did the only thing that my body would allow . it took up my being , filling me completely with a need I couldn't express. it was there and I knew it , but I didn't know how to make it come out. so I ran , I ran and ran as far and as fast as I could...._

**In case you didn't know the italics are either lyrics or a flash back , that goes for all or most of my stories… sorry guys for any grammar , my beta is now MIA so if you have any objections feel free to correct it and send it in ill replace it….lol , well , let me know...normal drill , questions? pm or review me with them and I will answer tot he best of my ability...hope fully this clears up one or two issues you may have , as far as the next chs will go pretty much the same , flash backs in italics as well as lyrics to songs....these belong to avril " when your gone" if you haven't heard it its a good -ways , hope you like it and let me know ur thoughts.**

**btw- check out a story for me if you can bitter sweet blood , not a twilight fanfic but an original by a friend of mine , its under twilight though , I tried getting her a fiction press but it didn't go through , so if you guys could take the time , maybe review if you like it , pm if you are interested... id like to know who has and hasn't read it , if any of you have.**


	12. Cellar Door

**hey you guys! im soo sorry for the delay , both me and my beta had our own little things to deal with , ur probobly like ya ,ya , but i am sorry , oh and you guys are freackn diabolicle man , harsh and cruel mother fuckers let me telly uo...but i wouldnt have you any other way. so enjoy the ch. let me know what you think , if you want anythign specific to happen , the more you tell me , the faster , the fatser and more you get in a ch.**

**to my ass kickn beta: borntodance94**

**BPOV**

I couldn't move. There they were― the objects of my affection. Just standing there, looking just as broken as I was. A part of me had to be honest; I wanted to run to them. The look on little Alice's face made me feel like a puppy-killer. It wasn't right for a stupid little pixie vampire― who broke my heart― to look at me like I as the one who left. It wasn't right… or fair. She left me… they all left me. They could have stayed with me, even if Edward had left.

Then that other stupid "forgiving" part of me said I couldn't be selfish. They probably had a reason to leave me, too. Yeah, because you weren't good enough for them, either, you idiot!

I couldn't keep all my emotions at bay. I could see Jasper flinch from time to time until he was clutching at his sides. He fell to the ground as I pushed waves of resent, hate, and sadness full blast into them all― I wasn't specifically targeting him. I didn't mean to make him suffer so much. Who I really wanted to watch suffer was Edward. It used to be hard to even think his name…. Now all I wanted to do was shout it; to tear him limb from limb and let him feel all he had done to me. It was too hard to reign in the amount of hurt he had caused.

There was no "normal" life for me. I was never normal, and I never will be. I was broken beyond repair from both my human life and my vampire years. There was no in-between. No compromise.

I could feel the familiar tingling in my fingertips. Deciding it wasn't safe for either humans or vampires, I grabbed my stuff from the bench next to me. My family wouldn't try to look for me because I was usually out today anyway. I could be alone for a bit. I needed to breathe… I needed to think. For fuck's sake, I needed to have a minute to myself, where there were no stares or ogles. No pathetic attempts at "not remembering" today. No Edward or Alice. No Savanna― as good as her intentions were― trying to help me "remember." In fact, I remember everything from my human life quite clear and perfectly. I could only wish that I didn't remember.

I would only be so lucky. I don't want to remember. I wish I could forget everything. Or at least let go of the memories that other vampires seem to be able to wish they could preserve. They can have it! There is nothing in the world that could make me want to see everything that was done and said, replayed in my mind every time I close my eyes. Every minute of every day, I can see them… see the people I had once loved... the people that had left me behind to die a slow, long, painfully torturous death.

I scoffed in the silence of the halls; like they cared. They weren't following me. They weren't desperately trying to earn my forgiveness ...or even making themselves known― well, besides the fact that I had seen them. They might not even know it's me….

No. The looks on their faces told me all I needed to know. They knew who I was, whether or not they liked it, wanted to admit it, or even saw it themselves. They knew.

Not watching where I was going, I just ran where my legs took me.

**EPOV**

Her voice was… indescribable. There were no words that could match the description of how it seemed to snake through all of the kids' voices here. How it seemed to physically reach out and touch my dead heart.

There was no way to say how I felt. There was a tugging in my stomach... in my soul. Normally, I would never even think about the fact that I could have a soul. But that voice of hers was like a visible cloud of smoke, a dark black cloud with a line connected to it. Fishing for the souls of everyone in the room, including me. Demanding to be heard.

I could feel from her the sorrow and the pain. I wanted to shed tears imagining what she was referring to― the innocence of being naïve and ignorant to the world around you…. The way she never was. The way she probably wished she could be. The way we all, at one time, had wished to be. And sometimes still do.

There was no doubt on my mind as to who she was talking about, someone walking away. But did she really feel that way? Did she really want me back? For some reason, I found that impossible. Maybe she really did want me back. Maybe I would have a chance.

No. I probably didn't. She was probably referring to some undeserving twit that now had her attention. She could never want me again. I was a monster. A liar, and a sinner of the highest sins. There was nothing that could cleanse me enough to make me worthy of her shadow.

The thoughts of all these children came rushing back at me. The little they had seen of Bella wasn't exactly the way I had pictured her. Broken and torn. Even the humans could tell there was something wrong with her.

The thoughts, although juvenile as they were, weren't too far fetched. There was someone who had broken her heart. Someone who had torn her security to shreds; Left her to die in the cold world.

But I had wanted her to live a normal life, to get better from her past. Not to make her future worse. Alice had seen them coming for her. Who they were, we never knew. Never found out. But they were there, and then when we left… they disappeared. I had thought my plan had worked out perfectly.

I thought that she was safe, now that we weren't in her life anymore. But obviously, I was wrong. They had come and found her. That, or she had suffered the same fate― if not worse, anyway.

Cellar door -cellar door- cellar door- cellar door-cellar door- cellar door- cellar door-[cellar door by escape the fate]

**BPOV**

It was already dark by the time I headed back home. I could say that I had thought long and hard, that I had an answer to my questions― but, in reality, there was nothing. A whole bunch of unanswered questions… and a whole bunch of answers that made no sense.

I felt like I was waiting or something. But I couldn't think of anything I would be waiting for… there was nothing for me to be waiting for. I knew that. Without a doubt, there was nothing and no one that I needed; it was all up to me. I would take care of myself. No one else. When I walked up to the door of the house, I took a step back off of the shimmering porch to take in the view.

The house was magnificent, almost better than the Cullen's old place. A picket fence surrounded the lush green gardens― a utopia of color and texture, spiraling in a whirlwind of color and shapes. Just looking at it, you could imagine yourself in another world. A world filled with humble magical creatures, like fairies and nymphs, their beauty subtly shining through every move they made. The look of innocence in their eyes. They are naïve figures of a world beyond humans. They don't trick you, lie to you, or steal from you. The world is their playground.

They don't hunt. They fool around, creating mischief, not havoc. There is a difference between the two. Savanna looked at me from between the shades of the blinds. She could tell there was something wrong, and with her power, she could see it had to do with the Cullen's. That was, if she didn't know almost exactly what was going on.

Unfortunately, that meant that she probably also knew that I was hiding something from her― like my whole life.

I looked back up to gauge her reaction, to see if she would let me see into those deep gold-ringed eyes. She was already away from the window. She was giving me my privacy, but also telling me that she knew what was going on. She was basically telling me that I was in trouble.

A humorless laugh escaped my sealed lips. It sounded cold and cynical even to my ears. I could either go through the front door and cause a scene or ignore everyone there, or , I could try my hand at sneaking in the back past everyone, and avoiding confrontation altogether.

I laughed again, wincing at the sound. I decided to take my chances in sneaking in. I was going to have to face them anyway, but it was for the best if I had a better feel of it, being on my time, not theirs.

I passed the familiar silver Volvo that was parked next to a deep burgundy jeep. Holding in a wince as I walked around back, I hissed when I heard Savanna telling everyone that I had something to tell them.

I did not have anything to say to anyone. There was nothing to make it better. It was already done. What was said was said, and couldn't be taken back. Not that they would want to take any of it back.

"And, uh…when exactly were you planning to tell us about you?" Savanna was right there at my bedroom window. Not even waiting for me to get inside― or to even answer her stupid questions― she just began shooting them off.

"Do we even know the real Bella? You obviously still remember them! Why in God's name you wouldn't tell us you had another family that still loved you is beyond―"

"Um, correction," I cut her off. "They don't love me― that's exactly why I didn't tell you. They haven't been there for me since I was―"

"What do you mean they don't love you?!" It was now her turn to interrupt me. "Anyone with half a brain can tell that they've missed you!"

"No, San, they don't. They wouldn't have left me if they did."

"But―"

"No! If you would actually listen to me, you'd understand. I wouldn't tell you about my human life. Yeah, maybe I shouldn't have let you think I didn't remember, but I had a reason for not telling you. You guys felt bad enough for me already. I didn't like the pity; if you felt like that for me being changed and left alone, how would you have felt if I told you I had a family before you. They were vampires, too, but guess what? They kinda left me before I changed. So not only would I have had the means to either stay human, but also I would have had a leader…. What would you have done then? Hmm?"

Her silence was enough for me.

"Exactly…. That's why I never told you."

Savanna had a tendency to go overboard on things. She reminded me of a mixture between Edward and Alice. She loved fashion and shopping, and when it came to my well-being, she was like a mother lion protecting her cub.

It could get on a girl's nerves, but I knew she was only trying to help. There was no Carlisle or Esme or Rosalie in our group. There was an Alice/Edward… there was an Emmett/Jasper. That was the extent of it

That was another reason why I loved this family― but I also resented them for it.

Everyone was pretty much speechless. I left them all to go into the attic. It was one of my favorite places in the whole world.

There was nothing extra special about our attic― no, it was just a regular insulation-filled, dust bunny attracter. I just liked it because I loved it. It was as simple as that. It was a place for me to be alone. I wrote my best songs in attics or on roofs. There was always a basement, but I seemed to like the attic more.

I loved the basement, too, don't get me wrong… but there was just something about watching the rain. Now, I'm not a huge fan of it or anything, but the rain was connected to me. It was imbedded into very my essence.

I let myself drift into a state of numbness….

I felt powerless as I saw the scene unfolding before me. I couldn't change it now, it was too fuzzy. I had to wait for more information, for it to clear it up. There were people, lots and lots of people. The smell of fresh and old blood mingled in the walls, like they were made of bones. The walls were soft, so very wet and cold... like they were made of human flesh.

The smell told me they were; the people locked in cages, eyes clouding in pain― yet glassy with tears― told me… it was. The tile I stepped onto was sluggish. With every move I made, I could fee the screams vibrating around me.

They were so loud it almost shattered the walls… almost. The halls began to form a V-shape, lowering until they met at the very tip of the 'v.' There was a door; I could touch it.... I turned the rusting knob.

"Leave her alone! She's in The Wake! Leave her! Brace!"

Savanna's voice took away with her the rest of my Walk. I felt two cold hands gripping my forearms, shaking me.

"Bella! Bella! Isabella, answer me!" A silky smooth velvety voice I would know anywhere― even if an eternity had passed me by― threw me off guard. Edward's voice screamed out to me.

The shocks quaking through me where catastrophic. I had been was so close to opening the door! That stupid cellar door that I had been waiting to get into for weeks and weeks. I was so close I could taste almost it. The fact was that I wouldn't have gotten to open it, yet I knew that was irrelevant right now. Edward― no matter how much I loved him― had just interrupted my Walk through the Wake. My eyes snapped open... and I was pissed.

You want to be loved but you won't let anyone in.

You want to push me away, but when I'm gone you cry.

I'm tired of not feeling good enough.

**sorry for the corny wlk throught the wakr crap , couldnt think of anything else. my comp is officially freaking out on me so ill be working from the library at school , not aot of time , the more info i get the more youll get so you guys give me ideas!**

**3 **

**ash**


	13. damngive me a name

**hey you guys have my amazin cuz jojo for this. if she hadnt i dont know when i would have gotten this out so..shout out to jo , i 3 ya. ne-waz , i love yall and im sorry it took soo long , lots of crap to deal with , wish me luck [on life]. And there is a poll up , a new one , need to know for the nxt ch! have fun kiddies , enjoy!**

**33**

"If you don't get off of me right now I swear to God, you will regret it." My voice clipped. I didn't even wait for Edward to take his hands off of me as I shoved him to the side.

It felt good to push him to the ground. I guess after all of that thinking that I wasn't good enough it was all coming back, all of the hate and anger. I was pretty okay before they came back. I was just a little quiet and sarcastic, only a little cynical and not too cold just enough to keep people away for good. I didn't want anyone else to be hurt by me. It wasn't right to do to them. If they wanted more than a quick glance-they were sadly mistaken.

"Bella? I'm, I'm so sorry. I- I just....I thought...I don't know..." he sighed.

Completely ignoring him I turned back to Savanna, "Is there something you guys needed?" To be honest, I was being a bitch with my clipped tone and hard eyes, but she should have known better than to let him anywhere near me especially when I had just explained my situation with her and the others...where were they during all of this?

I turned to see Brace against the wall being held by Emmett. Brace was a big guy and could handle himself on any known occasion. Don't get me wrong...but Emmett? Who could take him down besides Rosalie? My point exactly, I growled low from the back of my throat warning Emmett to let go. I had no qualms with him or Jasper, hell, even Rosalie was okay enough in my book-and that's the only book that mattered-but Alice and Edward were far from okay with me.

"Emmett, please, behave yourself. We are in someone else's house." Esme came into the room chastising Emmett. He immediately let go of Brace and stepped away as he scrambled from the floor and walked to Savanna. Carlisle walked ahead of Esme and came to shake my hand.

"Bella, is such a pleasure to see you again. All is well I hope?" He asked trying to be the only civilized one in the house besides Esme. Honestly, if it wasn't for her I'd have ripped Edward to shreds already.

"Yes, everything is fine…nice to see you again too Carlisle." I took his hand in mine. The temperature wasn't like what I was expecting. Instead of the cold stone hands I had once left I felt they were slightly warmer, softer hands of a vampire. I don't know why it shocked me but it did. Esme looked so broken in the corner waiting for me to come to her or at least acknowledge her presence. Smiling as warmly as I possibly could, I looked over to her.

"Esme, how are you?" I asked with my arms spread for her to step into. Immediately, she cried out and fell into my arms. Alice hid herself behind Jasper more and let a small almost inaudible sob escape her- almost.

I couldn't let Alice cry like that ever again. As much as she had hurt me, I could never hurt her.

"As much as it pains me to say it....come her Alice." She didn't hesitate-not once-as she ran into my arms. Lie it was a sanctuary, a long lost home for her to finally feel the warmth after a snow storm, and the light to see after years of darkness. It made me feel loved and wanted.

"You are," Jasper said. It warmed my heart to hear that knowing he knew everything I felt.

"Thank you." He just nodded obviously afraid to say too much in front of the rest of the family; it was a good thing too because I probably would have kicked his ass if he told anyone anything out loud. At that he chuckled probably feeling my rage and relief, putting two and two together. A small chuckle escaped my lips; I turned to the only other person in the room-Edward.

****

She had never had so much...passion in her voice, so much assurance, but there was a hitch when she said my name. I tried not to give it to much thought especially not now seeing as she looked about ready to murder me. If I slept, I'd have been very scared. She had a fire in her eyes that did a very good job of hiding her pain and hurt. Not the same pain and hurt I had seen in those very few weeks I had been with her but a different more vivid pain. I hadn't thought she would react like this to our departure. I thought she secretly hated what we were anyway. She couldn't love me could she? After all that we had done in our pasts? I hadn't thought it possible, and then that day in the woods, the day she almost said it. I could tell what she was going to say before she had even opened her mouth. That's why I knew…thought I knew. I had to say what iI did then. It was cold, hard, and cruel, but I said it anyway hoping that she would get over us and go on with her life.

God, how cliché is that?

The arrogant man doing what he thought was right for his women no matter the costs; doing something he knew would hurt her but thought it best this way instead? His way instead.

If I had been in my right mind I wouldn't have done any such thing, but the way they had looked at her like she was a piece of meat. There was nothing more that I wanted then to have them away from her. I had mistakenly thought they would go if we left her. Maybe they did, maybe she was turned another way. My logic whispered, but it was so faint. I didn't know if it would do any good although that was true. She had a family now, but she could have picked them up after the fact. Maybe she even made them herself.

That thought was pushed aside as soon as it had entered. She wasn't the type of person, but then again, I didn't think she could hold all the anger she had then. Now, she obviously held even more. No need to ask who that hate is for you idiot. The only thoughts I could never escape-my own. I had become rather resistant in the time when I was nothing more than a shelf of my former self. A few times I almost stooped to hunting humans, but I couldn't go through with it. Not because of Carlisle or Esme, Alice, Jasper or even Emmett, it was because every time I got close-I saw her-my angel from heaven, Bella.

The name sent a pang of need and desperation almost consumed me before the hate did. I hadn't felt that in a few hours. After seeing Bella my body seemed to just shut itself down. There was no more feeling and for that I was glad, but now that it was all coming back, it just didn't feel very good. That's not saying much.

"Edward, you should probably answer the question, stop daydreaming, it won't help your situation any if you are zoning out all the time."

I almost jumped at Jasper's words, pulling myself out of my thoughts I looked to him, who was looking at Bella, who in turn was looking at me...murderously, great.

"I'm sorry of I'm not interesting enough to hold your attention Edward, but then I should have been more sensitive to knowing my place." Her words cut me deep.

I thought about the night I had left her to deal with the "death" of her father and boyfriend. There was enough fabricated evidence that she would be free and clear. Oh, we made sure of that, but it still wasn't right to do. If I could have stayed I could have helped and I could have saved her form a worse fate.

Then again, she would have grown closer to us and the family would have never let me go. I can't recall how they let me go in the first place, but I do remember they weren't very happy. They didn't let me go very quickly.

"Maybe I should reiterate? I asked if you planned to stay the night as everyone else has. I need to get somethings taken care of. If there is going to be a problem with you staying here then I need to take care of it now before I leave." Looking at me expectantly, I felt a little on edge. I couldn't read her mind, and the cold dead look she was sending me was just a little terrifying.

"Well?" she snapped.

I don't know what it was. I just couldn't keep my emotions in check, but I regretted it as soon as it came out.

"I'm thinking," I snapped back.

"Think faster."

"Learn some patience."

"You should talk."

"I have patience little girl-more than you do."

"Screw that." I don't know what it was about, that word coming out of Bella's mouth, but it always got me. She knew that. Through snaked eyes, I was practically spitting words.

"Screw you."

"You wish," she scoffed.

Damn she's right. I couldn't help but think about how all those nights, all these nights seeing as I still have those feelings, how all I really wanted to do was screw her.

Screw her until she couldn't walk; screw her brains out; make love to her; hold her; kiss her; hug her, as if sensing my thoughts, she had a mixture of smugness and cynical satisfaction and resentment on her face. In her eyes they were light like a fire, gold and brown clashing together. Doing a double take, I looked again. Her eyes were the most beautiful I had ever seen. Yes, she had the golds of a vegetarian family, but she also had a starburst of the chocolate brown they used to have.

Just seeing it, it could bring tears to my eyes. Remembering her in my arms, it was like a bitter sweet torture. She just scoffed and left.

After about 2 minutes of complete silence Alice came in through the door.

"What was that?!" she yelled. "Edward, you know I have tried to be patient with you. Hell, I'm probably the only one who doesn't plan on killing you every 5 seconds. But, come on you can't honestly be that stupid can you?"

"Stupid?" how was I being stupid? She was snapping at me."

"How long has it been? Do you even know what year it is? And, it's not like you couldn't try to get off your ass and-"

"Get off my ass? What the hell Alice? It's just a little shocking. She fucking walked out on me, and its my fault? I'm being stupid? How do you figure that? I mean really, come on! I just found out the love of my life is alive, maybe not well, and it's my fault. I know, but I'm acting stupid? Excuse me-if my brain cells haven't caught up with me!"

She sat there giving me a pointed look, but I wouldn't give her the satisfaction.

"You know exactly-"

"Give it a rest Alice-please for one fucking minute- give it a rest!" I stalked out of the room not wanting to hear the rest of what she had to say.


	14. RIP

okay you guys..i cant write , i HAD writers block , ad it started going away but i got it back at soon as i heard of steph's [Daddy's Little Cannable]death. The object of many of my inspirations that i have yet to get down here is ow gone and i feel like a light has been put out on the world. I can only imagine how others who knew her better than I feel. She has definetly helped me out through some deep times and I dont knw what i would have done without her then. She was amazing and I cant really ,dont really believe she is gone. I hope you can forgive me , but ill need soem time to get eveything together. DOnt worry I will still be getting everything to you , and as soon as i have at least 2 chs typed ill post more of my stories , i have a whole bunch that are very large and bulging out of my binders. they will be out and about soon enough. you guys ae great. and i appreciate every single one of you.

33


	15. Im not so sure anymore

**I had my friend beta this for me so it was fine before but I might have accidentally deleted the wrong document…ya, fucking idiot I am. But I'll replace this ch when its all done up again. But I thought you might like it now. Im soo sorry you guys!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own twilight...but I do own a dirty little world were the characters like to play....you'll see it one day..... if your nice.....**

"Bella! Bella hey, wait up a sec!" Alice came over to the end of the street where I was walking away from the house.

"Bella , please wait..." I stopped figuring she would only keep harassing me if I didn't.

"Hey Alice..." I sat down on the pavement motioning for her to sit down with me too. She sat down and looked up at me from under her lashes.

"Bella , I know you not..._happy_ with us right now. Any of us. But...do you think you could maybe , I don't know , try to .... I don't know." the look of tears in her eyes that we both knew would never shed was like kicking a wounded puppy.

" What is it Alice? I may not be...happy with you guys at the moment , but it doesn't mean that I hate you...you can still talk to me. I _hope_ you can anyway." She looked up at me from behind her hair , laying her head on my neck and shoulders she sat down more comfortably...in my lap. She was so small that she actually reminded me of a little girl.

The fierce protection I felt for her was overwhelming , I couldn't find the energy to summon a negative response , to reprimand myself for caring so much , at least so soon. Like they had never left me at all. Like I was still only cut and bruised ,maybe a little broken ,not completely destroyed. There was nothing now that could change my mind of the fact that no matter what I loved the Cullens...all of them, the problem was is that I didn't feel that they deserved my love. Its a precious thing , my love, and if they wanted it so badly before then why had they left me to the wolves? Hmm?

There was nothing that could be explained or justified by their actions. Nothing. I don't care what their excuse is. It was wrong , after saying all they said to me they shouldn't have done what they did. actions speak louder than words , isn't that a major lesson in life? Don't we learn that all the time, maybe even every day. Don't the teachers tell children that in all different grade levels , all different school s not matter what time , place or predicament? Well? Where the hell were they when the rest of the world learned that fucking lesson? The smell of sulfur filled the air just as Savannah pulled back the window form the latch and poked her head out of one of the second story windows , silently telling me to cool it.

My defenses were weakening around Alice as she took my hand in hers and place them in her lap , then on her cheeks and her eye lids.....she looked like a broken porcelain doll much like what I would think I had looked like after my change. Although I had never really had the desire to look in the mirror after I had changed so for about 3 years I hadn't seen what I looked like , I only imagined. And when I thought about it , I only wanted to gouge my eyes out and cry.

There was nothing special or pretty about me , nothing perfect , nothing godly. I was a freak vampire just like I was a freak human. Only now I couldn't deal with my problems the way I normally would , instead I would only break the knives and razors , my nails didn't really work the way I wanted them too and no one would dare touch me in a way that was harmful. There was no way out of the emotional pain , it was all physical. There was no way out of it . What a shame I'd become, I wasn't worthy of anyone's attention or affections , and yet here I was trying to blame it all on the Cullens. The very fact that I couldn't hurt _myself_ was not their fault , albeit if they hadn't of gone then we wouldn't have this problem now would we? Nooo.

I couldn't blame them for that though , and deep down I knew it , but I wasn't exactly being rational right now , there was nothing rational about how I felt at this point in time, there was nothing to hold me in sanity , I'd already left that plane a long time ago. There was nothing I could do about the past and that scared and frustrated me. I was a creature of assurance and security , if I didn't have it , I couldn't function , I would kill for it , it didn't matter. I had become a very primal creature as well , loosing all sanity when I was fighting , I fought to kill. There was no stopping me once I was started.

These weren't just things that the venom had done to me , enhanced them maybe , but before my human life had ended I was slowly being eaten away at , it was sad but it was true , there was a lot that I could see now as me slipping.

" Can you ever forgive us Bella?" she whispered to me. Looking down at her I wanted to say "yes.' But I knew it would be a lie.

" I don't know Alice....it still hurts too much." I settled for.

" Will you tell me...what happened after we left?" she asked

" Maybe Alice....one day...maybe." carefully I lifted her up off of my lap and set her down on the concrete floor.

" You get some rest." I kissed her cheek and started to walk away.

" Where are you going?" she didn't move just stayed in the same position I left her, as if she moved I would disappear completely. Maybe I would , I couldn't be so sure that I wouldn't.

" To take care of some stuff. Don't worry , I'll be back before school. Maybe I'll even talk to you guys later." I tried to offer up the best smile I could , in the circumstances I though it was pretty good , maybe it wasn't what I had thought , but she seemed to accept it after a moment.

*****

The run took a little longer than I thought it would. I was expecting to just get there place flowers and come back. I don't know why I wouldn't want the extra time away from the Cullens , but for some reason I didn't want to stay away, I felt like something was going to happen . Not to brag but my feelings are always accurate , saved my ass more times than I care to count on following instinct alone. The gates opened with creak just as they had done the day I first came here , there were spots that were worn into the ground from the repeated footsteps. I didn't need to look twice to see they were mine. I knelt down on the rain dampened earth. My hand dragging across the surface.

" I miss you you know... I don't....I don't know what to do anymore mom. I just feel so lost. Is it possible to love _and_ hate someone at the same time? Can I really be feeling anything more than anger towards him? I cant....I wish you were here. It would be so much better. We could go everywhere mom. I would take you shopping! We can go to together...right? You'd like that, right? You'll come back if we do more stuff together right -?" All I wanted was her to come back , I'd move heaven and earth for her, I'd do whatever she wanted! I will. I can! Really, I would. My body wracked with tearless sobs. To feel the release I had once taken for granted . You cry everything out , to just feel that again....

I felt the arms wrap around me , I smelled the disgusting breathe in my face , there was nothing that could take away the realness of it from me.

_"Marry me Bella."_ his lips at my jaw.

_"Stay with me Bella"_

There was nothing I could do to stop him. I had been a human then. Fragile and pathetic. I couldn't have protected myself. There was nothing I could have done against him.

_Ill take care of you bella._

Like I wanted him anywhere near me, his voice echoed in my head like a million drums in a closet.

_Isn't that what you want?_

He cant...he shouldn't be able to hurt me like this. Why? Why can I still feel him on my skin if he's gone? My breathing became erratic.

"_Why?"_ I screamed into the air.

* * *

EPOV

I paced around the house that Bella had left. There was nothing here that appealed to me, I only wanted Bella around so I could at least try and build up the courage to talk to her. She was going to be increasingly difficult , I knew that without Alice's warnings and the visions Alice had earlier today.

There had to be something I could do to win her trust back , I couldn't just not try. I knew that , as Alice had so kindly pointed out, I hadn't exactly acted up to par. I know I may have been a little overwhelmed but still , I should have controlled myself properly. Really , I'd had plenty of years to practice so why was it all falling apart lately? Was it the shock of finding Bella ,not only alive but a vampire as well? What ever the reason was I shouldn't let it get to me , I should always remain calm and collected. My phone buzzed the caller I.D. saying _Jasper_ flipping it open I barley had time to breathe before Jasper was stringing off curses and dry sobs.

"Whoa , Jasper. Please calm down , I cant help you any if I cant understand you."

" She's gone Edward. I don't know where she went. We were feeding one second , she screamed and , she just... gone! Edward we have to find her , she cant be out there on her own." Jasper was heaving in unneeded breathes as his voice rose with his worry.

" Its fine Jasper. We'll find her. " It didn't sound right , he would have heard or even felt anyone that had been coming close to them.

" Just come on in and let us deal with it." I said.

Carlisle had already come in and was informing the others about Alice's disappearance. I heard that savanna girl talking on the phone to who I could only assume was Bella. They agreed on something and she hung up. Jasper made his appearance in about 5 minutes.

"Carlisle?! ," he screamed ,"Carlisle? what are we going to do?"

Carlisle came up from the basement were he was talking to several of the others , some went off in their own direction and out the door while Rose tried to push Emmett out of the door.

" But I want to see her hurt him!" he whined.

I groaned ,holding the bridge of my nose with my thumb and forefinger there was only one person that would want to hurt a "him" who was undoubtedly, me as Emmett thought of money figures and what looked like a mannequin me turned to wood chips.

" Thanks Em" I said.

Either he didn't find the sarcasm or he just found the whole situation funny because he laughed looking positively joyous. His mind filling with useless thoughts about how much he was going to be making off of me. I was about to turn around and reprimand him when I came face to face with Bella.

" I'm not happy about it , but I'll do it." was all she said as she walked out. Looking around the room lost I looked to my family and then to where she left.

" Follow her you idiot." Jasper said.

* * *

"It doesn't help me any when your yelling at me you jerk!" she shouted.

"What the fuck Bella? _I'm_ the jerk? I've tried to apologize to you! You just don't want to hear it!" I yelled back.

"God, you know Alice was giving me shit because she said you were beating yourself up over all you had done to me? Ya , I didn't believe it then , and there is no way in hell I'll believe it now! Like you are actually capable of feeling anything but sorry for yourself! God! None of this would have happened if it weren't for you!" Alice , why couldn't she just keep her fucking mouth shut when I asked her to?

Apparently the whole family [both of them , once you start interfering in my love life you automatically become family. Unless I kill you , but I don't think that would get me in Bella's good graces. Not that I really felt like it at the moment] had thought it would be a good idea to send both me and Bella into the woods to pick up some kind of trail from Alice. "Get your problems worked out" they had said. She hadn't spoke to me the first 20 minutes. The worse 20 minutes of my life. To have her send me about a thousand death glares , and not talk to me. At the time I had wished she would at least snap or yell at me or _something..._now , not so much. I don't know if I don't prefer her noiseless glaring.

"Me? Me_?_ Your blaming _me?_ Because I _really_ wanted her to get kidnapped? Right? That's what your saying isn't it? That I wanted my little sister , whom by the way I have known longer than _you_ to be taken by some freak? Ya , real nice …real nice Bella. Very mature." my sarcasm wasn't helping but she was being completely infuriating.

"Don't talk to me _Edward_ you don't deserve to." she sneered.

"Don't-? Oh, are you serious? God Bella thanks for setting that out for me , Id have gone through life thinking I could compare to you!" I raised my hands to my chest.

"Obviously there is no comparison _Eddy_ because I would never lead a poor innocent naive girl alone the way you did , for God sake , I loved you!" getting up in my face .

"So did-"

"Don't give me any of that "So did I Bella , I really did love you" bull shit like hell you loved me , it was just a matter of time before you got what you wanted , then you'd just up and leave ." she cut me off....she fucking cut me off.

"Oh ya? So if all I wanted to do was get in your pants how come I never did? Hmm? I mean I would have plenty of times to do it ." She gave me a look as if to question my sanity.

" Oh don't even deny it!" I could just see the blush rising in her cheeks.

"You were simply tired of waiting too long , you had better _things_ to _do_ ...as I recall you told me." Damn it.

"Well...your here now....what's to stop me now?" I got closer to her. The tension in the air was indescribable , Id never felt anything like it, it was a mix of all the sexual tension and the anger we held toward both ourselves and each other.

The way she got all riled up when we fought. the way she clenched her hands. It made me madder and yet more aroused than id ever been in her presence.

it wasn't something that i was expecting. she took in deep breathes seeming to calm herself. when she turned away it was like a string had broke. whatever had been holding me to sanity was split and gone.

* * *

**bpov**

i had been excepting him to leave me alone. that was the impression he was giving off. i was never wrong. never. it wasn't a possibility to be wrong. i don't think i could have been more surprised if i tried.

he had caught me off guard. completely. he turned me around to face him and pushed me slightly.

" why do you have to be like that?" he snarled.

"the fuck? i have to be like that like what? your the one whose being all-"

"all what Bella? all i want is for you to forgive me. Is that so horrible to want? am i that low in your book?"

"hell yes your that low , what do you think this whole thing has been about-"

"then why don't you say it Bella , say what you feel , what you think of me...the truth, right now."

"that's what I've been trying to say , oh the past 10 minutes if you'd quit cutting me off you might know that. but i guess I'm not that important. you think you can just run over-"

"not that important? you think-"

"see?! this is what I'm talking about! you keep interrupting me-''

"only because your interrupting me."

"shut up for a second okay? you want to know how imp feeling?" with a curt nod he gestured for me to continue.

" I'm pissed....I'm mad ,a and your a fucking coward.....a coward Edward. you just....i _hate_ you-"

" and i don't know wh-"

"_shut up!_ this _this_ is why! you treat me like a child! I'm _not_ a child edward. you maybe an old man but I'm not a baby. you cant-

"old man? _old _man? did you just-"

"yes now if you interrupt again I'm gonna kill you. You left that day and you never looked back , well you know what while you were probably screwing some whore i was back in forks....dealing with my shit. I had a fuck's time too. you have no idea what happened after you left. id of thought you would have at least had the guilt to help me out...but you just left me high and dry up there."

" i didn't know-"

" like fuck you didn't know. you knew about mike and Charlie. I _told_ you about them...myself! its not as if you had to find out another way. i was there. i told you , and then we told all your family together. i thought you guys cared for me. i thought...but it wasn't true was it?''

" it was true Bella , we do care about you. its just i didn't want-"

" Didn't want _me _anymore? you wanted some whore in Alaska. i get it."

"god , this is what this is about? Tanya? you think i left for Tanya?"

" i know you left for her. she was a fucking knockout. who couldn't."

"i wasn't for her at all....i left to protect your ass."

"you. You left to _protect_ me? whata load of shit that is. you just-"

"what? couldn't wait to get in your pants come on Bella , be smart. be the intelligent women i know you are , if -"

" you know? you know? you don't know i am anything....you don't know me!"

our bodies seemed to be vibrating almost against each other. i hadn't realized how close i had gotten to him. it was unnerving. very unnerving. like having an electrical current pulse through you. my

fingertips were almost hurting with he force of it.

it was like being struck by lightning , not that I've ever been touched by it before but it was being with Edward all those years ago...tenfold.

our lips crashed together and the force of our bodies connecting made a thunderous sound. i pushed him away moving him into one of the trees that surrounded us.

he bent the whole thing , that fucking thing had an impression of his body the earth cracking beneath him. i felt like I was attacking him when I lunged forward.

his hands grasped my hips so hard I hissed out a breath and snapped my teeth at him. he lifted hi eyebrow but didn't seem to have much more concentration than that.

his hands were everywhere at once. groping and digging into my skin like a knife. it hurt but it felt so good. I wanted to scream and cry at the same time. my pelvis rocked into his hips making me shake.

I couldn't do it , I couldn't hold it , my body was shaking and my eyes were screwing up. I couldn't control any of by body functions. a small frustrated scream left me as he stripped me of my clothes.

I was helpless to do anything but tare at his shirt like he was tearing at my pants. clothes were shredded an drown everywhere and anywhere. I didn't know where and to be honest I couldn't pay attention. I didn't want to get lost like this , it was a helplessness that I didn't know but desperately wanted to.

"Bella...Bella...."

"stop talking" when he opened his mouth again....I didn't realize...I just reacted.

I slapped him...._hard._ I almost instantly felt bad , instinctively but then the satisfaction I felt from it was beyond what I thought id ever feel again. I let out a breathless chuckle. I _slapped_ Edward Cullen. and it felt _good._ oh so good.

although I probably should have thought about how Edward would have felt because he stilled to a stone. his eyes held a dangerous gleam in them that I couldn't recognize , for a second I was scared. I thought he might kill me even but instead of anything I expected he turned us so I was pushed into the falling tree. I ground myself into his body feeling the heat come off of him in waves. my knees were bent but he pushed them apart with his own and settled into my body like I was settled into the bark. he was so close, I stopped breathing for god only knows how long. He was right _there._ so close yet so far. his tongue peeked out of his lips in concentration. the wait was killing me. my nails racked down his bare chest. his hands carefully pinched at my skin. my head fell back when he brushed my bare breasts.

I pulled on his head, jerking it back with an almost audible snap when he smirked at my moan. the bark cracked and fell in little splinters as he pushed his face onto my body , his lips trailing from my neck...down my collar bone....my stomach.

his nails dug into my thighs. My breathing came out in a hiss. my hands pulled at his hair almost pulling it out of his head. he grunted when I pulled his head almost to the floor.

"I hate you." I hissed out.

"Bella-"

"shah.." I took his lip gently into my mouth....and bit down as hard as I could. there was little pop and I felt venom rush into my mouth. the burn of his venom made my eyes water and my brows furrow. I sucked tasting the velvety apple taste.

"fuck" he readjusted himself and with one ragged movement thrust into me.

I lifted my hips to meet his. it was painful at first but it was good. I felt the bones crushing turning into the little splinters that were falling off of the tree. Edward groaned and pushed harder into me. the bark was scratching into my back , I almost laughed at the thought of it hurting. Not to say he _wasn't_ hurting me. but the pleasure was off setting the hurt.

my body began to wind up in itself my legs going around his waist while his hands came up behind me. pulling me onto him further than I thought was possible. the cords in his neck were pulling tight , his mouth was clenched tight but his breathing was as erratic as mine, my whimpers were pathetically loud and my voice was strained when the band popped and my body fell limp against his.

I don't want to know how long we stayed there laying...holding each other. I wanted to say it didn't matter , that nothing that had passed between us mattered .but it did. not matter how hard I wanted to try to deny it my heart was always his to hold but I couldn't. and I knew that what we just did was either the stupidest for the best thing we, I could have ever done. but I wasn't just going to let him walk all over me. and I wasn't going to just walk away.

" I think Alice is going to be a little upset when she finds out." he said.

" what? that we fucked instead of finding her?" did he regret it already? I felt sick to think about it.

"no....that we ripped up all her brand new clothes in the process."

I looked around and sure enough , the clothes we had once been held in , were shreds of unrecognizable material all over the forest floor.

Well , I knew exactly how to gain Alice's forgiveness. I smiled at the thought. instead of inuring Edward , I was going to teach him a lesson. im sure Alice wouldn't object...she'd be the mastermind behind all this probably anyway.

**so tell me **_**how**_** horrible that was , because I have to say that was probably one of the worst lemons id ever written. I have to say vie done so much better and this was,....a disappointment. let me know. ill definitely have to use the better one in here soon. I liked that one alot better. I sorry that I haven't written in such a long time , it wasn't just step's death , bless her soul, because I was able to get more inspiration after thinking about her, it was the fact that I went to my aunts....ya , the one that was all supportive of my writing. she banned me from**

**1- twilight**

**2- black**

**3-writintg **

**all in her house...so I wound up not staying there or my dad's I hightailed it to my Grammies....technically x Grammies....since my step mom and dad aren't together anymore , but I love my step mother to death and without my grandmother this year id of probably off'ed myself. so there you go. that's the shortest version Ive ever talked about. have fun ya'll , I hope you like the ch... school starts again on the 10th of august.. I have orientation on the 4th and 5th. yet! ill be back soon because my WB is slowly underlining.**

**33**


	16. Am I worth wanting to be killed?

Hey guys,

sorry to disappoint, no I'm not back, this isn't a new chapter obviously but I am in dire need of a beta. Im looking through profiles and hoping one of them will be able to help me out but if any of you know of anyone who is a good beta, let me know. If you know anyone who would like to strip a story apart and rebuild it into a shiny new toy, _please _me know. Really, they don't even have to be into Twilight, though it may help. Anything, any help is appreciated. Really.


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